WTF?

So what do I say here? Clearly something needs to be said because the last couple of weeks have represented one of those moments where my online world has slipped into reality. These occasions need to be marked because they don't happen very often. The games master is the one that hooked me this time. Lunch first then a shopping trip followed by one of those very nice, but ultimately unfulfilling roll arounds followed by, yes, you've guessed it, the awkward small talk transferring to online niceties and not a whole lot else.

None of this should concern me in the slightest. The fact that we arrived at the roll around stage, seemingly satisfied if not exactly in the midst of major fireworks, ought to be enough. If you remember back to last weekend, I did point out that he's the ideal candidate for me because of the unattainable nature of him at the moment. Regrettably, it hasn't stopped my strange logic which, put simply is all about a question: if he's unattainable to me, why should he be remotely attainable to anyone else? Ultimately, I suppose, every stable, sound, enjoyable relationship, partnership, joining together, comes from a chance meeting, an invitation to lunch, stimulating conversation and two people enjoying each other's company. Ah. There's the problem then. And back to my question; if I can't provide that, why should anyone else?

He didn't quite crash and burn in the chat room this afternoon, but it came close. Should I be pleased that the reaction to him, in public at least, was lukewarm. Does it indicate that, when everything is reduced to the minimum, I might be the only thing left. What a thought! I doubt that though. There will have been others, behind the scenes, whose typed words have gone unseen that will have moved in there. I'm sure of it. Who else is he going out with tonight.

That's all a little neurotic really. I've met him for lunch, had to abandon an evening 'dinner' date and taken him shopping. Hardly the ultimate foundation for anything. Into the mix, for the shopping trip, albeit that it ended in the roll around, I'd gone into almost total shut down. Unable to string a sentence together, think of anything interesting to say and demonstrated the demon shyness. Which could easily have been taken for total disinterest or some manic condition. Maybe it is. What I'm trying to say here is that I screwed it up and I'm on a downer again.

I'll explain about the 3sum idea another time. Its all too weird and confusing at the moment.

The unattainable

So obviously I have this knack of finding men that I can find someway to maintain an emotional disconnect with. Clearly that indicates that there is something wrong with my whole mindset on this sort of thing, given that I would have thought that the reason for meeting guys and potentially embarking on a relationship would be to connect emotionally.

The latest one - the games master - is a prime candidate for a man I can disconnect with on that level because he's clearly not after anything serious. He asked for my advice on not having a relationship in order to spend some time enjoying himself. So then, the mixed emotions come into play having had lunch with the guy. There's no chance of a relationship, so that's a plus for him and me. But that doesn't stop the questioning in my mind of whether he'll want to even have anything to do with me the more he reveals his online self in the chat room. Why should I even care?

Meanwhile, the psycho is back on the scene. My brains have headed south for the evening. Will extricate myself from this unfortunate situation at a later date.

Where was I?

Well that was an unexpected intermission. I don't usually get sick; at least not the kind of sickness that lasts for days and requires complete bed rest. Let's chalk that one up to experience and hope not to return there for quite some time. I can confirm that nothing good has come of it either. The least you'd expect, or rather someone as intollerant of illness as much would expect, would have been some quality time to contemplate things. That didn't happen. The whole affair was constrained to the more mundane matters of how to overcome shivering cold, sore throats and blocked airways.

Consequently, I don't have a great deal to say. Things are going to get interesting on the work front from what I've seen of my inbox. I'm not going to say too much, because my present, or rather constant, fear is that I'm overreacting to events. Suffice to say, my understanding was that if an organisation wanted to create a post for someone they would do their utmost not to put many obstacles in the way. Given that there are more obsactles apparently being erected at the moment. Draw your own conclusions.