So I suppose that there was always a danger in buying a place on the wrong side of the tracks that there would be a bit of nuisance value from the local chavs. Therefore, can I really be so surprised that some idiot around here has taken to playing his/her gangster rap while his scummy mates hang out of the window. At least I assume that's whats happening; I haven't looked out of the window. Trust me, I can hear the repetitive crap blasting out at the moment and, like that irritating itch that you can't help but scratch, when I press mute on the tv, I can hear that irritating local accent squeal of the female chav.
They've turned the volume down now although I can pick out the faint beat. You clearly have to be of low intelligence to actually listen to that crap in the first place. Frankly, I don't care that I've got a superiority complex over these people. The ones who can't read or take no notice of the no-smoking sign. Those who have an inability to think about anyone other than themselves. I suppose that's just how things are for now. A world full of dense, layabout idiots incapable of empathy, breeding more mini-mes who don't stand a hope in hell of breaking out of that mould. Once upon a time, I agreed with the idea that we need to provide opportunities for these people, that they need to be nurtured and educated. Some people are just beyond redemption.
And I hate having these thoughts and saying these things. Inherently, I know that I should let it go, accept that some people are barely capable of looking after their own interests, let along anyone elses and yes, big word, forgive it. Maybe I will in the morning. I'm so short of being perfect myself; who am I to judge?
I wonder if someone has gone out there and complained or something. It's much quieter now. I thought I heard some raised voices before, but it's hard to tell. Anyway, the sound isn't overwhelming anymore. Plus I've turned up the volume on the TV anyway. It's all fine.
I suppose you want a quick update on what this blog is supposed to be about. I think I turned down the offer of a roll around this evening. Given the noise, it's probably a good thing. The technology guy who I'd broken contact with up until a couple of nights ago suggested that he could pop around and help me out. I'm not entirely sure why I put him off, but I did. Still not 100% sure about him. Friend with benefits has been quiet today. There's that hot and cold routine again. Guy with the medical issues has been online but not too talky. And finally to round it all off, psycho vet will "never give up" or some such.
It's been such a weird week, I suppose I should be so surprised that it ends up in an unsatisfactory way.
Friday 30 January 2009
Thursday 29 January 2009
Half light
It's been a weird sort of day. One of those ones where the sun never seems to make an appearance; grey, dull and all around unsatisfactory. That is to say that it's been unsatisfactory in every sense, work and play. Not that there's a whole lot of the latter at the moment. The work thing is being in a state of 'faux-limbo' if such a concept exists. It does now. I'm stuck with a squabbling rabble in an institution with a failing infrastructure and yet on the cusp of moving on to other things and so not in a mood to really dive in and make changes. It's a vicious circle and is just adding to my overall down mood at the moment.
Then there's the lack of play. For today at least, that's not due to the want of trying. My awkward friend with no strings, but in a relationship has been really giving it to me today. Unfortunately, only in the metaphorical sense. There is a deep well of untapped sexual potential in that man. I don't have nearly half of the opportunities I want to delve deeper and see what I can play with. Anyway, I hope it's not too long before I get to play again for real. He wants to borrow my space for some of his own fantasies. Everything has a price.
Back in my regular cyber haunts, its been the usual non-stop round of weirdos and freaks. One who won't get the hint. I'm afraid that squat with a big gap between your teeth doesn't do it for me. Shallow, I know. I'm sure he has a great personality blah, blah, blah. Not paying a lot of attention to the chat room at the moment. I have enough to contend with from a certain person with a foot fetish. I've never really understood that, but I can tolerate it given that, in all other respects, he seems quite normal. Then there are the contacts on the large gallery-type website, which can be far more fun, if a little infrequent.
Let's see what the rest of the evening brings.
Then there's the lack of play. For today at least, that's not due to the want of trying. My awkward friend with no strings, but in a relationship has been really giving it to me today. Unfortunately, only in the metaphorical sense. There is a deep well of untapped sexual potential in that man. I don't have nearly half of the opportunities I want to delve deeper and see what I can play with. Anyway, I hope it's not too long before I get to play again for real. He wants to borrow my space for some of his own fantasies. Everything has a price.
Back in my regular cyber haunts, its been the usual non-stop round of weirdos and freaks. One who won't get the hint. I'm afraid that squat with a big gap between your teeth doesn't do it for me. Shallow, I know. I'm sure he has a great personality blah, blah, blah. Not paying a lot of attention to the chat room at the moment. I have enough to contend with from a certain person with a foot fetish. I've never really understood that, but I can tolerate it given that, in all other respects, he seems quite normal. Then there are the contacts on the large gallery-type website, which can be far more fun, if a little infrequent.
Let's see what the rest of the evening brings.
Tuesday 27 January 2009
implosion and phone calls
Being close to another of my moods, we'll make this brief. I just wanted to mention the man who is after me for phone sex and the one who's blowing hot and cold. It's undoubtedly, in part, my own fault. If I was anywhere approaching normal, there wouldn't be a problem. I'd be able to find myself someone sensible and without baggage. Not to be I suppose.
Remember I told you about strike three from the other day. The guy I like, but with the issues that make me think twice about it? Well it seems that he has interesting kinks. Nothing much wrong with that I don't suppose, but there are limits to what I can reasonably bring myself to do. Phone sex is all very well and good, but has never really done it for me. I don't have the confidence, not to mention the slang vocabulary, to engage in carnal conversations. Plus he's into stuff that can't really be described as vanilla. Wet and messy and we'll leave the rest to your imagination. Still, I like him. He's incredibly cute and, seemingly, a challenging personality to my introverted one. It'd take a lot of work and I'm not sure I'm in the right place for it. Put it on hold for a couple of days at least.
Then there's my friend with benefits. He's moving from very interested and up for it, to quiet yet considerate. He's got something I like to play with and he knows it. No doubt I'll oblige again at some point in the not too distant future. I can't say too much anyway. Being in a relationship himself, I couldn't push anything. It's his problem if he chooses to look elsewhere for his fun and games; trust me, I'm not the only one. Then again, I'm not going to be in a position to precipitate anything. Been there and it doesn't feel great. It's another leave it and see job.
All this means that my levels of frustration are on the increase. I haven't had any physical contact since before Christmas and I'm wondering for how much longer I can last before I let the barriers down again and let go of my standards. My slate of online buddies with any reliable chances is dwindling for the moment. Going to have to get my fun from somewhere.
Remember I told you about strike three from the other day. The guy I like, but with the issues that make me think twice about it? Well it seems that he has interesting kinks. Nothing much wrong with that I don't suppose, but there are limits to what I can reasonably bring myself to do. Phone sex is all very well and good, but has never really done it for me. I don't have the confidence, not to mention the slang vocabulary, to engage in carnal conversations. Plus he's into stuff that can't really be described as vanilla. Wet and messy and we'll leave the rest to your imagination. Still, I like him. He's incredibly cute and, seemingly, a challenging personality to my introverted one. It'd take a lot of work and I'm not sure I'm in the right place for it. Put it on hold for a couple of days at least.
Then there's my friend with benefits. He's moving from very interested and up for it, to quiet yet considerate. He's got something I like to play with and he knows it. No doubt I'll oblige again at some point in the not too distant future. I can't say too much anyway. Being in a relationship himself, I couldn't push anything. It's his problem if he chooses to look elsewhere for his fun and games; trust me, I'm not the only one. Then again, I'm not going to be in a position to precipitate anything. Been there and it doesn't feel great. It's another leave it and see job.
All this means that my levels of frustration are on the increase. I haven't had any physical contact since before Christmas and I'm wondering for how much longer I can last before I let the barriers down again and let go of my standards. My slate of online buddies with any reliable chances is dwindling for the moment. Going to have to get my fun from somewhere.
Sunday 25 January 2009
Starting over
I'd forgotten that I had even started writing this thing. More than that, I see that it's nearly been 18 months since I've written anything. And yet so little has changed. I suppose that's not entirely true, lots of things have changed, but the basic foundations of my life remain unaltered. Both on and off line.
Perhaps I should add a postscript to everything that has gone before this point. Something to sum up the time that I didn't spent adding entries here. Not that I expect anyone to be reading, but looking back, the entries that I have made are surprisingly less cringe-inducing or perplexing as I might have expected them to be at the time. So then, a postscript and a line in the sand to reflect the back half of 2007 and the whole of 2008. Avoid trying to take online relationships into the real world. Ultimately, the people you meet are either psychologically damaged - something that can't easily be determined from a typed conversation - or otherwise a fantasy that doesn't work in reality.
Of course, I won't take my own advice. I haven't so far anyway. There were, at the end of last year, three separate occasions when I ignored my new rule. First one was the break with my psychotic ltr. On screen it seemed good; a proper man. It nearly worked out that way too, he certainly had everything in proportion. But the physical traits of a man, even one well developed, don't necessarily translate in a real world meeting. Strike one. The other, a smoker, a midnight liaison. Or at least the initial joining in cyberspace was a midnight affair that came to fruition in the cold light of day. A lather of sweat and a whole lot of nothing - not to mention the faint scent of old tobacco - leads to an unsatisfied event before Christmas. Strike two. So then the third one. I'd had my eye on him for a while. Not his type, turns into give it a go. On the same wavelength, good looks, nice personality if a bit of a challenge and he's close to a keeper. But strange kinks and a medical condition - as benign as I try and tell myself it might be - holds me back. Strike three. Maybe.
Events in the real world probably need more attention at the moment. I'm restless again and need to make a move sometime soon. It sounds like I'm starting where I left off with lots of questions and a distinct lack of answers.
Perhaps I should add a postscript to everything that has gone before this point. Something to sum up the time that I didn't spent adding entries here. Not that I expect anyone to be reading, but looking back, the entries that I have made are surprisingly less cringe-inducing or perplexing as I might have expected them to be at the time. So then, a postscript and a line in the sand to reflect the back half of 2007 and the whole of 2008. Avoid trying to take online relationships into the real world. Ultimately, the people you meet are either psychologically damaged - something that can't easily be determined from a typed conversation - or otherwise a fantasy that doesn't work in reality.
Of course, I won't take my own advice. I haven't so far anyway. There were, at the end of last year, three separate occasions when I ignored my new rule. First one was the break with my psychotic ltr. On screen it seemed good; a proper man. It nearly worked out that way too, he certainly had everything in proportion. But the physical traits of a man, even one well developed, don't necessarily translate in a real world meeting. Strike one. The other, a smoker, a midnight liaison. Or at least the initial joining in cyberspace was a midnight affair that came to fruition in the cold light of day. A lather of sweat and a whole lot of nothing - not to mention the faint scent of old tobacco - leads to an unsatisfied event before Christmas. Strike two. So then the third one. I'd had my eye on him for a while. Not his type, turns into give it a go. On the same wavelength, good looks, nice personality if a bit of a challenge and he's close to a keeper. But strange kinks and a medical condition - as benign as I try and tell myself it might be - holds me back. Strike three. Maybe.
Events in the real world probably need more attention at the moment. I'm restless again and need to make a move sometime soon. It sounds like I'm starting where I left off with lots of questions and a distinct lack of answers.
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