I'm not sure how it's happened, but I think I've overdone it this week on the naked male flesh front. I'm getting bored with it. Well maybe bored is the wrong word. How about desensitized? This is quite concerning for a guy who's self-proclaimed favourite passtime is all about guys, generally with no clothes on, having fun. I mean, when you're practically afraid of your own shadow, there's not a whole lot else to do.
The thing is, I'm taking a break from my usual online hangout and the chat rooms there. There are various, fairly dull reasons, tied in with my failure to break out and actually have a physical change of scenery this week. Pointless to go into that here. Suffice to say that if I was to take myself offline totally, I'd really be disconnecting myself from the only contact I have beyond the end of the driveway. So I've found a new site. Well it's not really new. I've been there before, forgot about it and moved on. But now, with nothing much else to do, I've gone back. And it is full, seriously packed full, of the stuff that I thought I craved: naked male flesh.
It was good to start off with. Page after page of 'ordinary' guys with it all hanging out (me included now). But tonight, I logged on an realised that I wasn't that interested in looking - at least not at the moment. I suppose that I'm at the point where looking can only do so much. Which, in turn, I suppose is half of the reason why my psychology is really starting to worry me at the moment. I shouldn't be in this situation were I can't break out of this routine without mentally having to break some serious bonds, which, most of the time, keep me locked firmly in place. The knock-on problem of that is that while in my mind's eye I can see myself escaping (I had, afterall, booked flights and reserved a hotel), when it comes to crunch time, I can't do it. Well no, not that I can't do it, more that I didn't do it. It was just easier not to.
Add onto that that its almost inexplicable and, strangely, cyclical. Last year, I left here and went away for a week and, by and large, enjoyed it. The year before, I did the same as I've just done: booked something, but couldn't go through with it. The year before that I went away for a week. There's got to be something more to this. I feel like 'it' or 'me' is slowly driving me insane. So that, combined with the sudden lack of interest in the one thing that I thought I was interested in, is worrying.
And another thing...
You can tell perhaps that I missed a day in posting. I have more to say today. This time about guys I already know. I do mean 'know' very loosely. These are for the most part, people I've met in the chat rooms, chatted with a few times and they've graduated to becoming an MSN contact. A couple of them, as you'll see, I've met for real, most I haven't.
Firstly, I think I did piss off the guy that I had arranged to meet if I'd have gone through with the break this week. Unsurprising really. But he was going hot and cold. I'd sort of hinted that I might get to see him one weekend next month, and initially he'd agreed to that, but cut me off today. I might be reading too much into it - he did say that he was in the office and he was busy. Then again, if I have burnt that particular bridge, I can't be too surprised. This is the problem with the 'real world' you can't get away with as much as you can from behind the computer screen.
Second guy, yup, he's definitely ignoring me. The 'friend with benefits'. Thing is that I'm not sure he's even my friend. Slightly concerning, I'm coming to the rapid conclusion that I don't really like him. It may well be that the feeling is mutual. The way he treats me around the whole issue of the 'benefits' sort of leads me to think that. But then again, I'm prone to reading too much into these things. What I'm not mistaking though is that he hasn't contacted me online since our last meeting a few weeks ago. I shouldn't be that concerned. The ending of that particular relationship, albeit it one of the few actual real world relationships I have, wouldn't be anything to mourn over.
Third one. Weird. We had a one time meeting a couple of years ago now which could, I suppose, have lead to something more. But he was busy at the time with his studying, got sick, and what with my screwed up head, it was always going to be complicated. But he messaged me out of the blue a couple of months ago. Now I like him, but I can't tell if he likes me or not. I'm assuming not that much because all the effort is one-sided, but then again it was him that reconnected with me. I think I should just stop throwing myself at this one though and write it off. It's not like I'm loosing anything and might even be preserving a shred of online self-respect.
Then number four. This is a guy I met in the chat rooms about a week ago. I was my usual charming self, and, it actually seemed to work. Snag: he's partnered up. However, he's talking trios, so who knows. Anyway, we chatted a bit and did what boys do together online and at the end of it, he's still talking trios. I've been there before though. It's going to sound sordid if I tell the two priests story at this stage and, let's face it, you stopped reading a while ago. I don't want to be in the same situation. This time around, a comfortable distance might help with that, still a worry though. Need to think about that one a bit more though first.
Thursday 30 August 2007
Tuesday 28 August 2007
Dam(n) dredging
Yes, yes, I'm still here. The mental prison doors have slammed shut once again. Quel surprise! I need a shrink or something I know. Maybe one day. Anyway, now that this year's travel is off, I can get on with enraging myself in my nice, safe, pretend electronic world can't I?
I just wanted to briefly mention a little phenomena that infuriates me: message board dredging. I don't know whether this is a recognised technical term, but it annoys me no end. This is where, usually new members, on a community board, go through seemingly every post ever created through the midsts of time and add a (usually) inane comment on the bottom with the result being that posts, which you thought were dead and buried, are moved to the top of the board. Prime example, and the one that has really got me going, is on the JUB community board for amateur self-pics (use your imagination). Anyway, yesterday, some utter pratt appears to have gone on, using his new found skill - cut and paste - and added "nice set of pictures" to tens of posts, going back as far as the beginning of June. Consequently, I have to scroll through pages and pages to find anything that's actually new.
A lot of boards have controls to let you sort the postings, so you can usually negate the effect of the odd mindless moron and filter posts by the date that they were started. Unfortunately, the JUB boards don't seem to have that facility.
This, I think, is just another example of people clearly not behaving in a way that they might if there was real, face-to-face contact involved. Otherwise, I suppose, pissing people off like that might result in a couple of black eyes. I would hope.
I just wanted to briefly mention a little phenomena that infuriates me: message board dredging. I don't know whether this is a recognised technical term, but it annoys me no end. This is where, usually new members, on a community board, go through seemingly every post ever created through the midsts of time and add a (usually) inane comment on the bottom with the result being that posts, which you thought were dead and buried, are moved to the top of the board. Prime example, and the one that has really got me going, is on the JUB community board for amateur self-pics (use your imagination). Anyway, yesterday, some utter pratt appears to have gone on, using his new found skill - cut and paste - and added "nice set of pictures" to tens of posts, going back as far as the beginning of June. Consequently, I have to scroll through pages and pages to find anything that's actually new.
A lot of boards have controls to let you sort the postings, so you can usually negate the effect of the odd mindless moron and filter posts by the date that they were started. Unfortunately, the JUB boards don't seem to have that facility.
This, I think, is just another example of people clearly not behaving in a way that they might if there was real, face-to-face contact involved. Otherwise, I suppose, pissing people off like that might result in a couple of black eyes. I would hope.
Monday 27 August 2007
Straight football fantasy
It's been another slow day. I think I may need to change tactics or just accept that it ain't happening in my own little corner of the cyber universe at the moment. But right now the main room, usually frequented by the prissy queens, strutting their oh so cool selves has been overtaken by a load of rampant avatars talking about how to seduce straight guys. In very graphic detail. Maybe it's the last throws of summer that are bringing out the hormones, but this is very weird.
Anyway, nothing much else to report. The hours are counting down as to whether I escape the self-imposed prison. It doesn't look likely. I hope I get a pull of mental strength from somewhere. Can't see it at the moment though.
Anyway, nothing much else to report. The hours are counting down as to whether I escape the self-imposed prison. It doesn't look likely. I hope I get a pull of mental strength from somewhere. Can't see it at the moment though.
Sunday 26 August 2007
Short and not very sweet
There hasn't been a whole lot to report on today. Partly because I've managed to keep myself away from cyberland for large parts of today - acutally finding other things to do and keep me amused. I did upload and rearrange some of the pictures on my profile. That usually attracts a bit of attention, as it did today. A couple of new tracks and the leaving of symbols that indicated that they liked what they saw.
The few messages I did get weren't very promising though. Overweight, over-age, balding, yada, yada, yada - the usual type of guy I attract these days. "you up for a meet?". Well it's a better opening than "asl" which has me reaching for the close button faster than a speeding bullet (it's late, I'm running low on witty stuff). I gave my stock reply to those sorts of openings "no".
I can't stand that. I mean, I'm guessing here, but if you were in a bar you wouldn't approach a guy with "do you want to have sex with me?" which is what those kind of one-line openers in a chat room amount to. Maybe I'm being naive in the ways of cruising or something, but I really don't think it works like that. It's the same with people who open a conversation with "where are you from?" to which I usually reply "why?". Maybe it's double standards. I mean, I admit that the cyber world and these chat rooms aren't really real, so I suppose I shouldn't expect real world type rules of contact to apply. But these guys who are after sex, as most of us are in there, want to convert that unreality into reality, so you have to balance it surely?
Ok, I think I'm starting to ramble. But like I said, it's been a slow day. Plus I'm getting frustrated with myself again. I need some proper contact now, not just letters on a screen. I have the chance to go away for a couple of days next week, but I can feel myself resisting - again. This 'prison' I call home is starting to get me down again. Need to find a way out sooner or later.
The few messages I did get weren't very promising though. Overweight, over-age, balding, yada, yada, yada - the usual type of guy I attract these days. "you up for a meet?". Well it's a better opening than "asl" which has me reaching for the close button faster than a speeding bullet (it's late, I'm running low on witty stuff). I gave my stock reply to those sorts of openings "no".
I can't stand that. I mean, I'm guessing here, but if you were in a bar you wouldn't approach a guy with "do you want to have sex with me?" which is what those kind of one-line openers in a chat room amount to. Maybe I'm being naive in the ways of cruising or something, but I really don't think it works like that. It's the same with people who open a conversation with "where are you from?" to which I usually reply "why?". Maybe it's double standards. I mean, I admit that the cyber world and these chat rooms aren't really real, so I suppose I shouldn't expect real world type rules of contact to apply. But these guys who are after sex, as most of us are in there, want to convert that unreality into reality, so you have to balance it surely?
Ok, I think I'm starting to ramble. But like I said, it's been a slow day. Plus I'm getting frustrated with myself again. I need some proper contact now, not just letters on a screen. I have the chance to go away for a couple of days next week, but I can feel myself resisting - again. This 'prison' I call home is starting to get me down again. Need to find a way out sooner or later.
Saturday 25 August 2007
"I hate sheep"
When things aren't working out, like at the moment, I can sometimes be drawn to watching the chat in the main room. Never joining in of course. That's just for prissy queens, cyber-exhibitionists or the 'cool' brigade. I'm well aware that sitting in a room behind a computer screen doesn't equate to real social contact. My problem is that I have this psychological aversion to actually meeting people. Those that chat in the main room don't seem to grasp it and either invent a life that they don't lead in a sad attempt to convince people that they're normal or are craving attention/acceptance.
Anyway, psychoanalysis of the chatters aside, today's little gem in the main room was someone apparently hawking for gay hotel staff. To most normal people, this would set alarm bells ringing. A gay chatroom is not the usual place to look for employees. And, I think, for most people the declaration that the owners of this staff-challenged establishment are "good empluers" would have ended any discussion of the merits of such a venture stone dead. Not with this lot. Some expressed interest, asking pertinent questions such as "where is the hotel?" and stating "I've always wanted to work in the hospitality industry". This prompted our employment agent to encourage the interested parties to message him in a private chat and, seemingly from the silence in the main chat room of some of those initially showing an interest, that is exactly what they've done.
Now call me a cynic if you like, but it's fairly obvious to me that this guy, verging on illiterate was in reality advertising for rent boys to frequent some seedy brothel, probably in the middle of nowhere. I can imagine that the 'guests' like nothing more than to see silly fools who are more used to bashing out meaningless drivel in chat rooms, parading around in ill fitting jockstraps serving cocktails. Though how they would manage it when they're more used to typing rather than talking is anyone's guess.
I don't know, maybe it's just an extension of my current frustration. I just wonder, even if I was to go out into the big wide world and meet 'real' people - can I expect them to have more smarts than this lot? Maybe someone will fill me in.
Anyway, psychoanalysis of the chatters aside, today's little gem in the main room was someone apparently hawking for gay hotel staff. To most normal people, this would set alarm bells ringing. A gay chatroom is not the usual place to look for employees. And, I think, for most people the declaration that the owners of this staff-challenged establishment are "good empluers" would have ended any discussion of the merits of such a venture stone dead. Not with this lot. Some expressed interest, asking pertinent questions such as "where is the hotel?" and stating "I've always wanted to work in the hospitality industry". This prompted our employment agent to encourage the interested parties to message him in a private chat and, seemingly from the silence in the main chat room of some of those initially showing an interest, that is exactly what they've done.
Now call me a cynic if you like, but it's fairly obvious to me that this guy, verging on illiterate was in reality advertising for rent boys to frequent some seedy brothel, probably in the middle of nowhere. I can imagine that the 'guests' like nothing more than to see silly fools who are more used to bashing out meaningless drivel in chat rooms, parading around in ill fitting jockstraps serving cocktails. Though how they would manage it when they're more used to typing rather than talking is anyone's guess.
I don't know, maybe it's just an extension of my current frustration. I just wonder, even if I was to go out into the big wide world and meet 'real' people - can I expect them to have more smarts than this lot? Maybe someone will fill me in.
Friday 24 August 2007
Sorry we didn't click
Thought I should update today's progress. Not that there's much progress to talk of. It didn't just didn't happen at all today. Spent most of the day hanging around online to see if anything would turn up - I've been majorly 'frustrated' (see, still being polite) and would probably have done the big meet thing had something worth meeting turned up. No such luck. I did get another guy asking if I was in the market for a slave. Two in one day is a bit weird. Maybe I need to change my profile pic or something.
Anyway, to cap the whole thing off, I have a PM just now from a guy one year out of my age range. I will admit, I was maybe a little bit arsey with him. He didn't get my, admittedly dry, sense of humor from the start. That never sits well with me I'm afraid. I did the usual thing about sometimes being a little flexible with my age range (although in reality I've never been with anyone more than two years older that myself) depending on other things but definitely drawing the line at guys older than my father. This bit he clearly misread. I pointed this out and at least he apologised. But it was doomed from that moment on.
It turns out that he was into, and I quote, "beer, whiskey, poppers and straight porn". Whatever way you cut it, that's an interesting combination. I had to point out to him, regrettably, I don't drink, I don't want to know what effect poppers might have on my medication, and incidentally, I'm gay and as such don't really have any sort of interest in hetrosexual couples overacting for the camera. To each, his own. I think he got the message. "Sorry we didn't click" was his parting remark as he beat a retreat.
Honestly, I'm not that sorry and I'm still very frustrated.
Anyway, to cap the whole thing off, I have a PM just now from a guy one year out of my age range. I will admit, I was maybe a little bit arsey with him. He didn't get my, admittedly dry, sense of humor from the start. That never sits well with me I'm afraid. I did the usual thing about sometimes being a little flexible with my age range (although in reality I've never been with anyone more than two years older that myself) depending on other things but definitely drawing the line at guys older than my father. This bit he clearly misread. I pointed this out and at least he apologised. But it was doomed from that moment on.
It turns out that he was into, and I quote, "beer, whiskey, poppers and straight porn". Whatever way you cut it, that's an interesting combination. I had to point out to him, regrettably, I don't drink, I don't want to know what effect poppers might have on my medication, and incidentally, I'm gay and as such don't really have any sort of interest in hetrosexual couples overacting for the camera. To each, his own. I think he got the message. "Sorry we didn't click" was his parting remark as he beat a retreat.
Honestly, I'm not that sorry and I'm still very frustrated.
Do you want a slave?
That was the question that the latest guy to send me a pm asked eventually. It seems like a reasonably good place to start this. He was better than most at least. He sent a picture because his profile didn't contain one and, although he was outside the age range on my preferences, I thought that I should at least be polite. Spending far too much of my life in these chat rooms, I usually decide that I have no time to waste - so no pic and over my age range will almost certainly result in the close button being pressed and leaving it at that. Added to that, frankly, I was (still am) after a quick meet in the city. But there's no one normal out there at the moment. Or at least it doesn't seem like it.
So he did all the usual stuff that a man of a certain age, clearly horny and with nothing better to do on a Friday morning would do - "I'd love to suck it for you" and I maintained my air of politeness, "That'd be nice" I said. Perfectly true, even if there was no way it was going to happen. "Of course" he continued, "I'd have to swallow". Well fine, but how many gay men below the age of 50 do you know that wouldn't swallow when they're on their knees having a good time these days?
Clearly, this wasn't going anywhere. Though at this time of the morning, what would I expect? So then I'm into the 'how do I extracate myself from this one while staying pleasant' strategy. The trust "Well I would hope so" just came out. Wrong. It gives them hope which isn't really there. "I'd like to be your slave" he added. Shit! Not good. So not good. There's nothing you can say to that - well, not if you're not into that whole S&M thing I suppose. I didn't respond to that one. Then, happily, he gave me an out. "Do you want a slave?" he asked. Honesty is, I'm sure you'll agree, the best policy. "Not really" I told him. He was gone.
First one of the day. Lets see what happens next.
So he did all the usual stuff that a man of a certain age, clearly horny and with nothing better to do on a Friday morning would do - "I'd love to suck it for you" and I maintained my air of politeness, "That'd be nice" I said. Perfectly true, even if there was no way it was going to happen. "Of course" he continued, "I'd have to swallow". Well fine, but how many gay men below the age of 50 do you know that wouldn't swallow when they're on their knees having a good time these days?
Clearly, this wasn't going anywhere. Though at this time of the morning, what would I expect? So then I'm into the 'how do I extracate myself from this one while staying pleasant' strategy. The trust "Well I would hope so" just came out. Wrong. It gives them hope which isn't really there. "I'd like to be your slave" he added. Shit! Not good. So not good. There's nothing you can say to that - well, not if you're not into that whole S&M thing I suppose. I didn't respond to that one. Then, happily, he gave me an out. "Do you want a slave?" he asked. Honesty is, I'm sure you'll agree, the best policy. "Not really" I told him. He was gone.
First one of the day. Lets see what happens next.
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