Flesh overload

I'm not sure how it's happened, but I think I've overdone it this week on the naked male flesh front. I'm getting bored with it. Well maybe bored is the wrong word. How about desensitized? This is quite concerning for a guy who's self-proclaimed favourite passtime is all about guys, generally with no clothes on, having fun. I mean, when you're practically afraid of your own shadow, there's not a whole lot else to do.

The thing is, I'm taking a break from my usual online hangout and the chat rooms there. There are various, fairly dull reasons, tied in with my failure to break out and actually have a physical change of scenery this week. Pointless to go into that here. Suffice to say that if I was to take myself offline totally, I'd really be disconnecting myself from the only contact I have beyond the end of the driveway. So I've found a new site. Well it's not really new. I've been there before, forgot about it and moved on. But now, with nothing much else to do, I've gone back. And it is full, seriously packed full, of the stuff that I thought I craved: naked male flesh.

It was good to start off with. Page after page of 'ordinary' guys with it all hanging out (me included now). But tonight, I logged on an realised that I wasn't that interested in looking - at least not at the moment. I suppose that I'm at the point where looking can only do so much. Which, in turn, I suppose is half of the reason why my psychology is really starting to worry me at the moment. I shouldn't be in this situation were I can't break out of this routine without mentally having to break some serious bonds, which, most of the time, keep me locked firmly in place. The knock-on problem of that is that while in my mind's eye I can see myself escaping (I had, afterall, booked flights and reserved a hotel), when it comes to crunch time, I can't do it. Well no, not that I can't do it, more that I didn't do it. It was just easier not to.

Add onto that that its almost inexplicable and, strangely, cyclical. Last year, I left here and went away for a week and, by and large, enjoyed it. The year before, I did the same as I've just done: booked something, but couldn't go through with it. The year before that I went away for a week. There's got to be something more to this. I feel like 'it' or 'me' is slowly driving me insane. So that, combined with the sudden lack of interest in the one thing that I thought I was interested in, is worrying.

And another thing...
You can tell perhaps that I missed a day in posting. I have more to say today. This time about guys I already know. I do mean 'know' very loosely. These are for the most part, people I've met in the chat rooms, chatted with a few times and they've graduated to becoming an MSN contact. A couple of them, as you'll see, I've met for real, most I haven't.

Firstly, I think I did piss off the guy that I had arranged to meet if I'd have gone through with the break this week. Unsurprising really. But he was going hot and cold. I'd sort of hinted that I might get to see him one weekend next month, and initially he'd agreed to that, but cut me off today. I might be reading too much into it - he did say that he was in the office and he was busy. Then again, if I have burnt that particular bridge, I can't be too surprised. This is the problem with the 'real world' you can't get away with as much as you can from behind the computer screen.

Second guy, yup, he's definitely ignoring me. The 'friend with benefits'. Thing is that I'm not sure he's even my friend. Slightly concerning, I'm coming to the rapid conclusion that I don't really like him. It may well be that the feeling is mutual. The way he treats me around the whole issue of the 'benefits' sort of leads me to think that. But then again, I'm prone to reading too much into these things. What I'm not mistaking though is that he hasn't contacted me online since our last meeting a few weeks ago. I shouldn't be that concerned. The ending of that particular relationship, albeit it one of the few actual real world relationships I have, wouldn't be anything to mourn over.

Third one. Weird. We had a one time meeting a couple of years ago now which could, I suppose, have lead to something more. But he was busy at the time with his studying, got sick, and what with my screwed up head, it was always going to be complicated. But he messaged me out of the blue a couple of months ago. Now I like him, but I can't tell if he likes me or not. I'm assuming not that much because all the effort is one-sided, but then again it was him that reconnected with me. I think I should just stop throwing myself at this one though and write it off. It's not like I'm loosing anything and might even be preserving a shred of online self-respect.

Then number four. This is a guy I met in the chat rooms about a week ago. I was my usual charming self, and, it actually seemed to work. Snag: he's partnered up. However, he's talking trios, so who knows. Anyway, we chatted a bit and did what boys do together online and at the end of it, he's still talking trios. I've been there before though. It's going to sound sordid if I tell the two priests story at this stage and, let's face it, you stopped reading a while ago. I don't want to be in the same situation. This time around, a comfortable distance might help with that, still a worry though. Need to think about that one a bit more though first.