WTF?

So what do I say here? Clearly something needs to be said because the last couple of weeks have represented one of those moments where my online world has slipped into reality. These occasions need to be marked because they don't happen very often. The games master is the one that hooked me this time. Lunch first then a shopping trip followed by one of those very nice, but ultimately unfulfilling roll arounds followed by, yes, you've guessed it, the awkward small talk transferring to online niceties and not a whole lot else.

None of this should concern me in the slightest. The fact that we arrived at the roll around stage, seemingly satisfied if not exactly in the midst of major fireworks, ought to be enough. If you remember back to last weekend, I did point out that he's the ideal candidate for me because of the unattainable nature of him at the moment. Regrettably, it hasn't stopped my strange logic which, put simply is all about a question: if he's unattainable to me, why should he be remotely attainable to anyone else? Ultimately, I suppose, every stable, sound, enjoyable relationship, partnership, joining together, comes from a chance meeting, an invitation to lunch, stimulating conversation and two people enjoying each other's company. Ah. There's the problem then. And back to my question; if I can't provide that, why should anyone else?

He didn't quite crash and burn in the chat room this afternoon, but it came close. Should I be pleased that the reaction to him, in public at least, was lukewarm. Does it indicate that, when everything is reduced to the minimum, I might be the only thing left. What a thought! I doubt that though. There will have been others, behind the scenes, whose typed words have gone unseen that will have moved in there. I'm sure of it. Who else is he going out with tonight.

That's all a little neurotic really. I've met him for lunch, had to abandon an evening 'dinner' date and taken him shopping. Hardly the ultimate foundation for anything. Into the mix, for the shopping trip, albeit that it ended in the roll around, I'd gone into almost total shut down. Unable to string a sentence together, think of anything interesting to say and demonstrated the demon shyness. Which could easily have been taken for total disinterest or some manic condition. Maybe it is. What I'm trying to say here is that I screwed it up and I'm on a downer again.

I'll explain about the 3sum idea another time. Its all too weird and confusing at the moment.