Random listing

I apologise that it's taken so long to update here. Truthfully, there's not a great deal to say. There's been no real life stuff gone on since the meeting with the games master which ended in total weirdness. I deleted him from my MSN list - but not blocked; its a tactic - he hasn't been in touch. Game, set and match I suppose but c'est la vie.

My lack of any adventures since isn't for lack of trying I should point out. No one is biting at the moment. At least no one that I would want to bite with. I'm not sure what it means, but I'm worrying that its the horrible 'age' thing. I am practically pensionable to the young, permatan gay brigade. Not that I was ever going after them anyway. Still, it's a bit of a worry; either that or I'm too picky by half. The excomunicated one is back on the scene. Well on and off the scene anyway. I can't work out if I want to or should go back there really. It's ticking over and not likely to progress. An option shall we say.

So the thing thats annoying me at the moment is random listing on profiles. Like I say, I might be getting old or something, but if I've got a passing interest in a guy, even if it's just likely to be a casual one-nighter, I at least want to know a little about him. These guys who in the 'about me' box just reel off a list of crap - most of the time I'm not even sure what they are listing - are just lazy. It's also dubious that they can't string a sentence together. I mean, if I want to meet a guy, I want to know that he has some substance behind him and isn't just a collection of random words. It's very annoying.

Not working tomorrow

I shouldn't leave it so long between posts, I know. Although, does it matter, no one else is reading this crap anyway. Still, I should update this. First things first, the games master is almost certainly a no go. In my friskier moments I've tried to entice him and walked straight into brick wall city. So what it amounts to is that either he was very less than impressed with the roll around (possible) or freaked out by the shut down that could have been taken as disinterest or psychosis (also possible). Lets leave it there and draw a line under that one.

Taking stock, this does mean that options are limited and its causing me to express some frustration in my virtual world. I have updated my profile pointing out exactly what I think of 98.27% of men. I don't remember the actual figure, but that's close. This is perhaps a reason why I haven't had much interest.

The guy with the medical condition has been enticing me again of sorts. Put the cam on, very briefly this morning. I swear, if he didn't have the medical condition I'd be so tempted to get into something there. Of course, the condition means that I don't really have to put my words into practice of course. Saved again! Anyway, he's talking about moving away. Strike two.

What else? Hmmm, cute polish guy came on the scene on Friday night. This is why I like long weekends off work. He would be a possibility for a roll around I think, except that there's a boyfriend on the scene. Having already been there before (getting on to that in a moment) that puts me off. At least it indicates that I do have a shred of morality left. Not much admitedly. We're getting close to that point where I've gone without for long enough that it will require a summoning up of courage and getting to move one of these virtual guys into the real world. Talk about coming over to the dark side!

So yes, the past fling who had the boyfriend - and now doesn't - turned up on the scene last Sunday. There hasn't been much, but he's laid a few strong hints. It's a possibility. Let's hold it in reserve for now.

PS. painting tomorrow. Yellow wall. It looked better on the swatch. Might need to revise thinking.

WTF?

So what do I say here? Clearly something needs to be said because the last couple of weeks have represented one of those moments where my online world has slipped into reality. These occasions need to be marked because they don't happen very often. The games master is the one that hooked me this time. Lunch first then a shopping trip followed by one of those very nice, but ultimately unfulfilling roll arounds followed by, yes, you've guessed it, the awkward small talk transferring to online niceties and not a whole lot else.

None of this should concern me in the slightest. The fact that we arrived at the roll around stage, seemingly satisfied if not exactly in the midst of major fireworks, ought to be enough. If you remember back to last weekend, I did point out that he's the ideal candidate for me because of the unattainable nature of him at the moment. Regrettably, it hasn't stopped my strange logic which, put simply is all about a question: if he's unattainable to me, why should he be remotely attainable to anyone else? Ultimately, I suppose, every stable, sound, enjoyable relationship, partnership, joining together, comes from a chance meeting, an invitation to lunch, stimulating conversation and two people enjoying each other's company. Ah. There's the problem then. And back to my question; if I can't provide that, why should anyone else?

He didn't quite crash and burn in the chat room this afternoon, but it came close. Should I be pleased that the reaction to him, in public at least, was lukewarm. Does it indicate that, when everything is reduced to the minimum, I might be the only thing left. What a thought! I doubt that though. There will have been others, behind the scenes, whose typed words have gone unseen that will have moved in there. I'm sure of it. Who else is he going out with tonight.

That's all a little neurotic really. I've met him for lunch, had to abandon an evening 'dinner' date and taken him shopping. Hardly the ultimate foundation for anything. Into the mix, for the shopping trip, albeit that it ended in the roll around, I'd gone into almost total shut down. Unable to string a sentence together, think of anything interesting to say and demonstrated the demon shyness. Which could easily have been taken for total disinterest or some manic condition. Maybe it is. What I'm trying to say here is that I screwed it up and I'm on a downer again.

I'll explain about the 3sum idea another time. Its all too weird and confusing at the moment.

The unattainable

So obviously I have this knack of finding men that I can find someway to maintain an emotional disconnect with. Clearly that indicates that there is something wrong with my whole mindset on this sort of thing, given that I would have thought that the reason for meeting guys and potentially embarking on a relationship would be to connect emotionally.

The latest one - the games master - is a prime candidate for a man I can disconnect with on that level because he's clearly not after anything serious. He asked for my advice on not having a relationship in order to spend some time enjoying himself. So then, the mixed emotions come into play having had lunch with the guy. There's no chance of a relationship, so that's a plus for him and me. But that doesn't stop the questioning in my mind of whether he'll want to even have anything to do with me the more he reveals his online self in the chat room. Why should I even care?

Meanwhile, the psycho is back on the scene. My brains have headed south for the evening. Will extricate myself from this unfortunate situation at a later date.

Where was I?

Well that was an unexpected intermission. I don't usually get sick; at least not the kind of sickness that lasts for days and requires complete bed rest. Let's chalk that one up to experience and hope not to return there for quite some time. I can confirm that nothing good has come of it either. The least you'd expect, or rather someone as intollerant of illness as much would expect, would have been some quality time to contemplate things. That didn't happen. The whole affair was constrained to the more mundane matters of how to overcome shivering cold, sore throats and blocked airways.

Consequently, I don't have a great deal to say. Things are going to get interesting on the work front from what I've seen of my inbox. I'm not going to say too much, because my present, or rather constant, fear is that I'm overreacting to events. Suffice to say, my understanding was that if an organisation wanted to create a post for someone they would do their utmost not to put many obstacles in the way. Given that there are more obsactles apparently being erected at the moment. Draw your own conclusions.

Chav induced headache

So I suppose that there was always a danger in buying a place on the wrong side of the tracks that there would be a bit of nuisance value from the local chavs. Therefore, can I really be so surprised that some idiot around here has taken to playing his/her gangster rap while his scummy mates hang out of the window. At least I assume that's whats happening; I haven't looked out of the window. Trust me, I can hear the repetitive crap blasting out at the moment and, like that irritating itch that you can't help but scratch, when I press mute on the tv, I can hear that irritating local accent squeal of the female chav.

They've turned the volume down now although I can pick out the faint beat. You clearly have to be of low intelligence to actually listen to that crap in the first place. Frankly, I don't care that I've got a superiority complex over these people. The ones who can't read or take no notice of the no-smoking sign. Those who have an inability to think about anyone other than themselves. I suppose that's just how things are for now. A world full of dense, layabout idiots incapable of empathy, breeding more mini-mes who don't stand a hope in hell of breaking out of that mould. Once upon a time, I agreed with the idea that we need to provide opportunities for these people, that they need to be nurtured and educated. Some people are just beyond redemption.

And I hate having these thoughts and saying these things. Inherently, I know that I should let it go, accept that some people are barely capable of looking after their own interests, let along anyone elses and yes, big word, forgive it. Maybe I will in the morning. I'm so short of being perfect myself; who am I to judge?

I wonder if someone has gone out there and complained or something. It's much quieter now. I thought I heard some raised voices before, but it's hard to tell. Anyway, the sound isn't overwhelming anymore. Plus I've turned up the volume on the TV anyway. It's all fine.

I suppose you want a quick update on what this blog is supposed to be about. I think I turned down the offer of a roll around this evening. Given the noise, it's probably a good thing. The technology guy who I'd broken contact with up until a couple of nights ago suggested that he could pop around and help me out. I'm not entirely sure why I put him off, but I did. Still not 100% sure about him. Friend with benefits has been quiet today. There's that hot and cold routine again. Guy with the medical issues has been online but not too talky. And finally to round it all off, psycho vet will "never give up" or some such.

It's been such a weird week, I suppose I should be so surprised that it ends up in an unsatisfactory way.

Half light

It's been a weird sort of day. One of those ones where the sun never seems to make an appearance; grey, dull and all around unsatisfactory. That is to say that it's been unsatisfactory in every sense, work and play. Not that there's a whole lot of the latter at the moment. The work thing is being in a state of 'faux-limbo' if such a concept exists. It does now. I'm stuck with a squabbling rabble in an institution with a failing infrastructure and yet on the cusp of moving on to other things and so not in a mood to really dive in and make changes. It's a vicious circle and is just adding to my overall down mood at the moment.

Then there's the lack of play. For today at least, that's not due to the want of trying. My awkward friend with no strings, but in a relationship has been really giving it to me today. Unfortunately, only in the metaphorical sense. There is a deep well of untapped sexual potential in that man. I don't have nearly half of the opportunities I want to delve deeper and see what I can play with. Anyway, I hope it's not too long before I get to play again for real. He wants to borrow my space for some of his own fantasies. Everything has a price.

Back in my regular cyber haunts, its been the usual non-stop round of weirdos and freaks. One who won't get the hint. I'm afraid that squat with a big gap between your teeth doesn't do it for me. Shallow, I know. I'm sure he has a great personality blah, blah, blah. Not paying a lot of attention to the chat room at the moment. I have enough to contend with from a certain person with a foot fetish. I've never really understood that, but I can tolerate it given that, in all other respects, he seems quite normal. Then there are the contacts on the large gallery-type website, which can be far more fun, if a little infrequent.

Let's see what the rest of the evening brings.